Into the City (1982)

by Hunsmire Polypoppi

Dukeyshoot was now ready for any emergency that might interrupt his journey into the metropolis of Zanzadorion, just another typical Bohemian city. Armed with only an eight-dollar pair of pink punk-rock sunglasses, Dukeyshoot Dolinsky idled his way to the ticket office and purchased a one-way ticket to Zanzadorion.

Infuriated by food stamps, illiteracy among the aging and senile, and bad weather, Mr. Dolinsky had been attracted to Bohemia both by the pretty girls and the beaches he had seen on the posters at the Office of the Travel Bureau. Now, aliented by new trends and styles, he was depressed, so he had sold his gooseberry plantation and classic 1978 Z-28 Camaro, not really knowing what the future would bring his way.

After what seemed like at least ten long unbearable seconds, he monorail finally arrived. As he took his seat, he couldn’t help but notice everyone else aboard was also donning pink sunglasses similar to his!

The trip to Zanzadorion had taken seven entire minutes, but Dukeyshoot was now very fatigued. Once the monorail stopped, he decided to search for lodging. At the monorail exchange he made a beeline to the phone booth. Once inside, the door immediately slammed itself shut, and Dukeyshoot was aware of a gas entering the small enclosed space. His last conscious observation was that of two men with shaved heads, wearing pink sunglasses and peering in at him as if he were on display.

As he awoke, Dukeyshoot was aware that he was swinging by his feet from a rope suspended from a skyhook. Dismayed at first, Dukeyshoot suddenly had an inspirational thought: his trick pink punk-rock sunglasses were especially equipped for such dire emergencies. He took them off, and pressed one of the buttons located on the nosebridge. His glasses smoked, rattled, and made a sudden transformation into a switchbalde. He cut the ropes securing his feet, and by holding onto the skyhook, inverted himself to an upright position.

Dukeyshoot Dolinsky was now free to do as he pleased, so he decided to do the only thing available other than letting go of the skyhook, which was to climb to the top, and find out what he was doing swinging from a skyhook in the middle of a void.

Next: Dukeyshoot infiltrates the Bilderberg Illuminati